Tag Archives: Suicide

Life: Imagined

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I don’t really know how to describe my psyche at the moment. I don’t exactly feel ‘lost’, although I definitely don’t have a direction I’m heading in.

I almost feel ‘insipid’.
Does that make sense?

It occurs to me often, that a life without children is a very ‘undefined’ existence.

Unless you have a stirling career/calling or a passionate relationship with a significant other, I don’t know that there is much that otherwise directs each day, month and year.

Living with severe *Asthma doesn’t help, obviously, but if you really break it down – what am I suppose to be aiming for.

It’s well documented on this little webspace that I don’t particularly want to be alive. I find it exhausting to invent reasons to stay breathing and to get out of bed each day. Honestly – I just don’t want my legacy to my nephews to be suicide. Their Uncle successfully killed himself and their Ouma gave it a crack at least once.

I need to stay alive just to prove that suicide is a short term solution to a long term conundrum. Which, when you are looking for reasons to live – it’s a pretty thankless one.
Pretty depressing actually.
(LOL)

But I don’t know what else I’m suppose to be doing. The important future dates that I am working blindly towards. The unseen successes that I’m suppose to believe in and strive for.

And no one else can enlighten me.

Because no one knows.

I suppose it doesn’t help that I have been unemployed for 9 months,
and the only position I have (finally) managed to secure is NightFill at Coles.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful to have the opportunity to earn some money myself.
I’ve only worked two shifts, but it appears that I am quite effective at it . . . . neat, quick + follow instructions correctly.

I have two strong proponents in my life – two intelligent and caring women – who believe in me, and who constantly remind me that although Creativity is my life, it doesn’t pay the bills. That in the short term I need an income.

And they’re right.

But they both have children, and loving trustworthy partners. They have the inherent life ‘goal posts’ that come with having a family. They have in-built prizes. Pride, joy, contentment, happiness, passion . . . .

And a life without those, is a life where substitutes have to be constructed.
It could be said that they have to be conjured.
Made up.
Imagined.

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PS
Happy Father’s Day
to all the Aussie Dad’s out there!

`Dad's Day Quote.

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Non-Depressives: Why We’re Just Not That Into You!

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There is a key element of Clinical Depression that those who have never truly experienced it, will never be able to understand.

* * * * * * We don’t care anymore * * * * * *

We have lost all ability to be tied to this ‘life; with all it’s injustices, beauty, struggles, awe, pain, wonder & heartbreak. We eventually get to a point where we come to truly ‘see’ the world for what it is. We see how intricate and yet insignificant human life is compared to the whole cosmos. We see how incredibly beautiful Mother Nature is and yet how finite her existence really is.

Those of use with long-term Clinical Depression struggle for years and then decades with the knowledge that we have obtained; having survived existential crises & eventual understanding of the issue of Globalisation and those who really hold the power in this world & enduring day-to-day despite the saturating pessimism from mainstream media.

We come to a point where Death is not only no longer feared but is also anticipated with some favour. Because we see it as a sweet release from all that we now understand and feel. Life is not seen as a gift or precious – it is seen in it’s unembellished true self . . . . 

Life does not have meaning.
We are not here for a purpose.
None of us is more or less important than any person currently alive, dead or yet to be born.

There is no evidence that any of us will have a lasting impression on the Universe.

And when you survive Clinical Depression – as I have for twenty nine years – you understand that life is meant to be lived. That is our only purpose!
Live!

And if we cannot live – with it’s inherent gifts of joy, love, hope and happiness – then we should stop living.

It is no more convoluted or simple than that.

I understand why someone, known most passionately for making people laugh his whole life, would want to be dead. For him you see, life had already ended.

And now he has peace

And now he has peace

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Why Is Suicide So Bad?

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Let me preface this post by assuring everyone/anyone that I’m not suicidal. 
I have no intention of committing suicide or any other form of self harm.

Hundreds of thousands of women and children are kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery EVERY year. Every day, of every year. All over the world, women and children disappear from their homes. Most, never to return.

But amazingly, by all accounts those that are freed or escape, those that somehow manage to get away, actually sustain the will to live.

Despite all the misery, physical debasement and abject fear that they were exposed to, these survivors still fight to live. To escape, and build a new life with love and children and dreams and a resolution to stay alive.

I once heard the story about a young woman, abducted by Bosnian forces during the Bosnian conflict. She was held captive by a Bosnian officer in his quarters/tent and used as a sex slave. She was repeatedly raped, over and over. Every day. By the officer and his men. And on at least one occasion when the officer came back to the quarters too drunk to get an erection, he raped her with a spanner. A FUCKING spanner.

And yet, when she was found and rescued by UN forces she still wanted to live.

She wasn’t suicidal.
And when she discovered that she was pregnant to her rapist/s she didn’t try to abort the foetus or end her own life. She got on with life. She looked forward and built a new existence. Even if she had considered suicide, she didn’t do it. Incredible!

And I don’t understand how she, or anyone, could (or would want to) stay alive after this.

I have a disease that makes me want to be dead. Every day. I take my meds and I write and I talk to a professional and I keep in touch with my GP and I try to be social and I’m creative. But – it doesn’t change anything.

And it leaves me begging to ask . . . if those women and children can survive such carnage of the soul and STILL want to live, why would it be wrong for me to kill myself?

I have lived a blighted life, but nothing like the misery I’ve just talked about.  Yet I want to die. And if I can’t find any peace or actual joy in life, compared to the desire of others to live, why should I continue to exist? At the most I will only live 90 years on this Earth. Which compared with anything: the age of the Universe; the age of the Earth; the age of Humanity, is infinitesimal.

I will not make a ‘mark’ on Human existence. My efforts will not be remembered. I will not affect the well-being of anyone. I am not a mother and I have no family, so what possible argument is there for me to stay alive?

How can my wish to die, not be valid?

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Far Side - Death.

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THIS Is Why I Haven’t Killed Myself

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I was deeply upset to hear yesterday morning that
the amazing
Charlotte Dawson had died.

She had committed suicide.

An absolute goddess

An absolute goddess

Charlotte was a champion for Mental Illness in Australia.
she had a true sense of humour,
she was brave
and was a very genuine person.

She was also loved
by truly brave and inspirational women.
Because she was ‘real’.

Plus she would poke fun at the fact that she had botox
– you gotta love her just for that!

At the time that I became aware of her death
– none of which mentioned the word ‘suicide’ –
I didn’t click on any of the online media links.

I knew from the tone of the titles/headings,
that she had committed suicide.

I had watched in horror in 2012,
when Charlotte was vilified via
social media.

She was trolled.
She was bullied.
She was attacked.

It was utter bullshit.

I HATE the way we treat strong beautiful women in our society.
Women attacking women.
Men attacking women.

As a society – we are PATHETIC !!!

If you have a friend or even an acquaintance who you know
through their own honesty and bravery,
suffers from or lives courageously with
a Mental Illness
then
DO THE FOLLOWING . .

  1. Send them a small card or note in the post
  2. Send them a photo of you both (smiling or whooping it up) via email or SMS
  3. Call them and if necessary just leave a message to say “Hi. Love you”
  4. Blog about their beautiful personality and strength

Here are some tributes to an amazing woman,
who should STILL BE WITH US !!!

*  Mrs Woog speaks about her mate Charlotte
*  Bec @ mamamia talks about how she came to really respect Charlotte, and,
how as a society we have let Charlotte down
*  Channel Seven – with a real & proper conversation about depression (quite refreshing)
*  Another Channel Seven weekend piece – a good discussion about bullying & depression

“She knew she was loved. She didn’t love herself enough”
Jonathan Morrisson

Do you have a Mental Illness?
Do NOT feel like you are alone.
PLEASE

Contact someone who will listen to you right now . . .

Lifeline – Call 13 11 14 – (24 hour support via phone)
The Community Brave Foundation (online Bullying)
Beyond Blue – Call 1300 22 4636 or go online to ‘chat’
Black Dog Institute – find a Support Group that is YOU

Charlotte,
I’m very sorry that you were not given the right ‘things’ that you needed to survive with depression.

I genuinely wish that you had.

The very reason that you killed yourself,
is the very reason I haven’t and won’t.

I believe
that somehow,
by surviving Depression,
I am in fact providing a real hope for someone else in the future.

I may not know what my ‘purpose’ is – yet,
but if I leave now,
then I never will.

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Is Depression More Like Cancer, Than Asthma?

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Ed’s Note:
When I compare Cancer to Depression,
I do so purely to illustrate to depression novices
an alternative way to ‘view’ depression
without just writing it off as “something to get over”.

I have often described depression to people,
especially those who appear to not understand depression,
to be just like asthma.

  • There’s preventative medication
  • Some seasons/months it’s worse
  • There are often environmental triggers
  • It’s a physical/medical condition
  • You can have a ‘normal’ life even if you have it

But cancer!
Cancer is some  scary shit,
that people take seriously.

  • There’s hope for successful treatment
  • You need to deal with it, not just ignore it
  • Not everyone will survive it
  • It makes you appreciate your non-cancer state of health
  • There’s ALWAYS the chance of it reoccurring

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Today, I was scanning the ABC:iview for something to watch,
’cause I still don’t have a tv.

I stumbled on to “Ruby Wax’s Mad Confessions”.
It was fantastic !!!

It was also confronting for reasons that few others would understand.

Except if you have had long-term depression.

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At 37:28
Ruby talks about an element of depression
that most people just don’t understand.

At 41:30
she says what her proudest achievement is.

It is the VERY SAME reason why I chose to never have children.
I truly believed
(and believe)
that I could not achieve
what she achieved.

At 46:00
Charlotte says something
that has been my belief
about Mental Illness
for the past 20 years.

Despite, my Mum telling me
repeatedly over the years, that she believes
that I am the
weakest
person in our family,
because I have depression.

Thanks Ruby.
xoxox

Ruby Wax

Ruby Wax

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Here is Ruby’s online Initiative for changing the environment around depression: Black Dog Tribe.

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Are you an AUSTRALIAN MAN, who needs support with a Mental Illness?
Then check out this unbelievably awesome program,
started right there in my town Busselton, Western Australla.
Black Dog Ride

Black Dog Ride

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And here is just one of a number
of fantastic Mental Health
support programs/sites
for anyone in Aus.

Beyond Blue

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Suicide: Be an exception NOT a statistic . . . . it’s what I choose to be (tell myself), for my nephew, Harry

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