I don’t really know how to describe my psyche at the moment. I don’t exactly feel ‘lost’, although I definitely don’t have a direction I’m heading in.
I almost feel ‘insipid’.
Does that make sense?
It occurs to me often, that a life without children is a very ‘undefined’ existence.
Unless you have a stirling career/calling or a passionate relationship with a significant other, I don’t know that there is much that otherwise directs each day, month and year.
Living with severe *Asthma doesn’t help, obviously, but if you really break it down – what am I suppose to be aiming for.
It’s well documented on this little webspace that I don’t particularly want to be alive. I find it exhausting to invent reasons to stay breathing and to get out of bed each day. Honestly – I just don’t want my legacy to my nephews to be suicide. Their Uncle successfully killed himself and their Ouma gave it a crack at least once.
I need to stay alive just to prove that suicide is a short term solution to a long term conundrum. Which, when you are looking for reasons to live – it’s a pretty thankless one.
Pretty depressing actually.
But I don’t know what else I’m suppose to be doing. The important future dates that I am working blindly towards. The unseen successes that I’m suppose to believe in and strive for.
And no one else can enlighten me.
Because no one knows.
I suppose it doesn’t help that I have been unemployed for 9 months,
and the only position I have (finally) managed to secure is NightFill at Coles.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m grateful to have the opportunity to earn some money myself.
I’ve only worked two shifts, but it appears that I am quite effective at it . . . . neat, quick + follow instructions correctly.
I have two strong proponents in my life – two intelligent and caring women – who believe in me, and who constantly remind me that although Creativity is my life, it doesn’t pay the bills. That in the short term I need an income.
And they’re right.
But they both have children, and loving trustworthy partners. They have the inherent life ‘goal posts’ that come with having a family. They have in-built prizes. Pride, joy, contentment, happiness, passion . . . .
And a life without those, is a life where substitutes have to be constructed.
It could be said that they have to be conjured.
Happy Father’s Day
to all the Aussie Dad’s out there!