I just didn’t see today coming.
At all !!!
More than two weeks ago, I had offered to do some rigorous gardening at a H’s house, as she and her family were in the process moving after five years in one house – to their very own freshly built, home. And after five years, the garden needed a general prune and tidy-up. No probs. I’ve got the arms, skills and tools for the job. It will take me no more than a morning to do the whole from yard.
But then Jack died, and I fell into a massive BLACK hole.
An emotional vortex.
I haven’t been able to speak to anyone this week. Not by voice or email or even text message. I’m not coping. Derr!
And then I just told myself, that I was going to spend Thursday morning working at my girlfriend’s garden. No excuses. No alternatives. No hiding under the doona until after lunch. I just got up at 9am (just!) and headed out. I filled a plastic bags with garden tools; garden scissors, secateurs, a weed prong, some kole beer & cheetos. I bundled Max into the car and we headed down the road.
And when Max & I got to H’s home, I was forced to do something I really didn’t want to do.
H kept probing me, asking me how I was and gently reiterated that she was “here” for me. I on the other hand, attempted to change the subject, repeatedly, but only managed it a few times. I implied and then said outright, that she didn’t want to get involved with me, especially when I am depressed. It is exhausting being around ‘depressives’. The very nature of depression saps the brightest light out of the strongest of souls. I have a litany of lost friends and family from my years of depression.
But, she wouldn’t have a bar of it.
So she let me speak, and listened to my vague arguments and let me cry – as I hacked and chopped at the row of cordylines in her front yard. My eyes were red and my hands were very sore at the end of it all. I am actually disappointed that I didn’t take a couple of before and after photos. What surprised me, is that I truly believed what H was trying to say to me.
She genuinely wanted to include me in her and her family’s lives, despite my depression. She wanted to be of help to me. She really absolutely wanted to offer me support!
I am still coming to grips with this reality.
But, my day of the Positive Universe didn’t end there.
6:00pm this evening, another friend, M, dropped in. She is going through a messy divorce with a man who has no control over his language, temper or life choices. He’s a total dropkick (believe me, we called him a lot worse!). She spent a good hour regurgitating his latest abusive rant. This guy would make Idi Amin blush when he’s in one of his moods. Put downs, name calling, lies, general abuse and death threats – he’s a real charmer!
And if I’m being honest – which is the priceless nature of my blog – I didn’t really want to hear it. But, a shift happened. I listened to her, and reiterated some important facts back to her. I agreed with her and challenged her when she started to concur with her
psycho ex’s point of view. And then BLAM she flipped the conversation directly back to me and my depression.
And as I talked I wept. Streams of salty aqueous dripped off my chin as I tried to at first to disguise and then describe my all-encompasing pain. My utter loneliness and lost sense of self.
She didn’t shy away or offer insincere solace.
I don’t know why the Universe sent me these two Amazons my way today. I’m just in awe that it did.
I feel a slight sense of peace – just the tiniest sliver – piercing through my armour.
Thank you Universe.