Tag Archives: Depression

Buggar – My Black Dog Is Back :(

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On December 5th 2013, I was accused of physically assaulting two young children in my care. I was investigated by DCP (Dept of Child Protection Western Australia) and found to have no case to answer.

My employer deemed that I could have handled the situation more professionally,
a view that I now share.

My GP was concerned about my mental health and immediately referred me to a psychiatrist. He was an intelligent and empathic man about my age and prescribed additional medication for me. I was already consuming 300mg venlafaxine each day, and now it was necessary for me to add 30mg of mirtazapine.

I spent the majority of 2014 working so hard to get my life back on track. Seeking future income, trying to guard my heart against past & possible future hurts, building a business from the ashes of a failed one, trying again and again to conquer my addiction to sugar. And I also looked towards a way to wean myself from the need of at least one of my drugs.

And so for the last six months, the first half of 2015, I have gone from 30mg to 15 mg per day of my mirtazapine. Then 7.5 mg per day. Then every second day and now I am at every third day.

A month ago I also managed to kibosh sugar from my life. After two full years, I did it. I don’t crave coke or chocolate or ice-cream. I no longer need hot chocolate, cakes or biscuits. I’m not hungry all day and I only eat REAL food.

But . . . . .

despite all these incredible triumphs, my Depression is back.

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And I’m scared.

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We Are Not Wholly Bad Or Good

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Who live our lives under Milk Wood,
And Thou, I know, wilt be the first
To see our best side, not our worst.

Dylan Thomas

How much do you berate yourself for past indiscretions?
Not at all?
A little?
A lot?

 I have a great deal of trouble trying to reconcile myself with mistakes that I have made. For a long time, I have been the ‘scape goat’ in my family. I have always admitted to my mental health issues and often apologise for what I have done wrong, but

(and it’s a big BUT)

there are mistakes that I have NOT apologised for, and there are situations where the anguish felt by others had nothing to do with with me – even though I was perceived as the instigator/wrong-doer.

And the accumulated guilt from all those years of being held responsible, along with genuine mistakes that I have made eat away at my insides. I have absolutely no idea as to how to deal with this ‘guilt’.

No idea what-so-ever.

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Source: HappyJar.com

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Autumn Melancholy

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I am decidedly NOT a fan of Winter.
Never have been.
Never will be.
Living in a mostly-uninsulated fibro house on stilts doesn’t help the issue.
It gets bloody cold in my little purple house.

But, I am on a path to remedying that particular issue!

At this time of the year as the days are getting vastly shorter and the evening cool sets in at about 4pm, I start to get a little ‘melancholy’. I am aware of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and other forms of the Winter Blues and recognise that with my history of Depression – I am susceptible. I know to keep an eye out for certain symptoms.

However, even armed with knowledge of what may come and experience of the past, I will be exposed to the unavoidable despair. That’s just how it is – I can’t avoid it.

So I am going to spend a little time in the coming days – this week in particular – to try to build a plan. A plan to deal with the cold and the short days and the sunless daylight and the rain and the wind and did I mention the cold? I really REALLY dislike being cold.

If you have any tips on how to better deal with the inevitable cool seasons, please, please let me know.

I am starting tonight, by moving my bed and tucking a blanket across the foot of the bed. Snuggly toes do make me feel a heck of a lot happier.

Next is going to be insulation in the new walls of my new kitchen – BOY! Is that a story you have to hear.

Overcoming Hopelessness: Nick Vujicic

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Although my life has been far from idyllic, it certainly hasn’t been the trial that so many others on this planet suffer through.

I am genuinely grateful for that. However, I do have, and have had for nearly thirty years, a mental illness that has robbed my of my ability to view my life and life in general, in a true and clear manner. My vision of the world has been tinted with scratches and murky dark clouds. Clouds that became physical burdens often.

But I never stopped trying to find a solution to this situation – to the reality of my life. I kept trying and trying to find peace and maybe a speckle of happiness. I look at other sources outside my mind to generate calm and discover different points of view. I’ve heard this described as bravery or courage. To not succumb to the darkness.

I don’t think that’s what it is.

Although I no longer wake, disappointed to still be alive  – the truth is I don’t really have any passion for life. I have been banished from my nephews’ lives, my mother only remembers me when she needs something and all but a couple of friends have found my journey through Depression to be exhausting to the point of abandonment. Losing Horatio, then Jack ten months ago was in a way, the final straw in my connectivity to this world.

While I have a deep awareness of ‘Why’, it doesn’t alleviate the sting of the reality.

So, without a purpose or person or reason to ‘live’ I just muddle forward. I am building a website from scratch in the belief that one day it will provide a substantial income. I try to learn something new every day. I am building a kitchen, from the floor up. I have started a long-since dead practice of taking “Afternoon Adventures“. I Create something EVERY day. I blog. I watch. I view. I read.

Although there is no ‘happiness’ in my life I can claim to be ‘happi-er‘. And this is a grand victory against previous hopeless moments.

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My Last Apple

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Two glasses of champagne – in my tummy.

Tuesday night was the first time I have consumed alcohol since I decided it was the major contributor to my Clinical Depression. And while I have occasionally missed the experience of drinking champagne from my hand-blown glasses, the truth is that it hasn’t been difficult.
Even easy.

And I feel fine today, and I felt fine yesterday.

No lingering or niggling feelings of the Blues. I stopped after just two glasses and as I was not ‘topping up’ my alcohol level from any previous drinking sessions, my body metabolised the golden bubbles very quickly.

I do feel a little tired, but that’s only due to my insomnia. An annoying side-effect of The Black Dog that I’ve had for over a decade. I usually feel tired. Most days.

No matter.

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I didn’t think that I could manage to find more ways to cut my living costs – but the truth is that I need to find a way. Despite a part-time job, that I am increasingly grateful for, and avoiding all manner of expensive bibs ‘n bobs like going out, clothes & treats – I still can’t manage to save the money I need to build a kitchen.

So I need to find a new way to get more pennies into my piggy bank.

Buggar!

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 I was blessed with a special gift when I moved into the Purple House. An adult & fruit bearing apple tree – Royal Gala to be precise. How awesome is that?

And while the possums and rats have decimated the tree each summer, I have usually managed to protect at least one piece of fruit, each fruiting season.

Voile curtains have a better use than hanging from a window – like encasing budding apples on a tree to protect them from marauding marsupials!

This year, only one apple survived – which is a shame as I am removing the tree over winter.

.Last Apple

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All fruit trees have a ‘life’ and I’m fairly certain that my apple tree is over thirty years old. I can turn the branches into something crafty and the trunk will make it into the garden as sculptural stands for my numerous terracotta pots.

In it’s place I am planting a row of Peppie trees, so that the possums have somewhere to live and won’t reside in my ceiling any more.

Well that’s the plan, anyway.

This Is Where I Live

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I work VERY hard to beat the Black dog.
Daily.

That is
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY.

And this morning I had a small win.

I walked four blocks from my house to the beach
(yes – I live just four blocks from one the most beautiful beaches in the world)
and went for a long walk.

Two and a half hours we were gone.

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I live 500 metres from this view

I live 500 metres from this view

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Maxxy Moo, takin' a dip

Maxxy Moo, takin’ a dip

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That’s the famous Busselton Jetty in the distance

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Max has been so good learning to obey commands off the lead

Max has been so good learning to obey commands off the lead

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