Tag Archives: Bravery

What Treachery Is In Our Hearts?

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I am not proud of the woman I am.

I am not proud of how I think, or act or feel.

I have attempted my whole life to be an educated and enlightened person. Reading, watching, researching, learning and mostly listening. I try with deliberate intention to be a better person.

However, I still wallow in too much self-pity and remorse.

I am not grateful enough, for all the amazing elements of my rich life. The people I know, the gifts I have been given, the talents that I have.

Worst of all, however, is my bitterness.

My attention to the wrongs that have been aimed at me, by others, and the heartache that follows. I fail to implement all that I have been graced to learn, instead focusing on that which I do not have. It is like a sickness for which I refuse to take the medication. It’s a deliberate action by me – refusing to grow.

While it’s true that I have weathered the ultimate tsunami of Clinical Depression, and I have also survived much treachery from those that I have trusted with my love; the reality is, until I can be grateful for the lessons that I have learnt from ALL the wrongs, I am actioning a cancerous growth to fester in my soul.

The salve to my heartache and loneliness is already in me – I have the tools. But I ignore them. I hold on to my bitterness and then let this motivate my decisions and actions. It is all so, so . . . .

I am betraying myself.

I DO look at others in history who have strived against poor circumstance, who have seen a new reality in front of them and run and fought and clawed to reach it. I am in awe of these people.

Then I gaze upon on the intolerance and stupidity that still rages across the world. Isis extremists in Syria. Anti-immigration proponents in Australia. Elitist wealthy of Europe. Financiers in the USA.

Yes – I did just compare bankers and fundamentalist extremists!!

 I see the ‘dumbing-down’ of entire populations with ‘reality’ tv, and fear driven political policies, and media behemoths controlling not only content but also fact, and the veneer of ‘celebrity’, and the acceptance of violence in other nations as not important.

And I sit here and try to make sense of it.
And try to find a place within it.

And I fail.

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Medgar Evers – despite so much intolerable agony in life, he still maintained the belief that things would change. And they did.

Where did his strength and belief in himself come from?

Can you imagine living in a time and place where you and your family were not deemed to be a full human being? In every sense, you were accepted and promoted as not worthy or even worthy.

Humanity makes me sick sometimes.

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Information Overwhelm in Today’s World

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Just a week ago, Pip from Meet Me At Mikes published a pretty full-on post: “How to beat information overwhelm and still care about the world“. It’s about how we have a tendency to click past or mute anything that is tragic or confronting. Earthquakes, genocide, terrorism, economic collapse – sometimes it IS all too much.

But is switching off the answer?

Pip talked about chemical reactions our bodies have when we get this feeling of overwhelm. She talked about our social conform driven by Social Media. She discussed our glazed eyes at the news.

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Pip

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BUT, she also discussed ways in which to deal with – a pretty big deal in my opinion. She didn’t ignore the reality of our lives and all the stimulus we are exposed to, instead she used it as a perfect example of how to attack this Overwhelm and how to still make amazing change in our communities and the world at large.

Although it is a hefty read (you need a good 10 minutes, uninterrupted!), it is genuinely worth it. It is insightful and intelligent and gives us all hope that we aren’t all sheep.

 

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Check out my comment at the end of the post, as I discuss how I deal with Overwhelm . . .

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For instance, this is not a normal occurrence in Oz.

Although in saying that, last year I did have a kangaroo stuck in my backyard and I don’t live in middle of suburbia, I certainly don’t live in the bush either. I live in a rapidly expanding and quite large town (officially a City, but come on!) in the South West of Australia and although we do have a mob of kangaroos living in a large paddock on the edge of town, I’d hardly say a kangaroo in the backyard is a normal thing.

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3052325/Meet-Dusty-kangaroo-sure-s-dog-hates-cats-Young-roo-eats-sleep-cuddles-family-s-puppies-adopted-road.html#v-3989905050001

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Bravery Is Taking A Small Step

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Today I rose one and a half hours earlier than normal, filled my water bottle, put Maxxy Moo into the bathroom and drove to Perth. For the first time, I was meeting a group of B-Schoolers for a mentoring and ideas workshop. Entirely free, in the home of one of us and filled with support, nurturing and empowerment.

I’ve never experienced anything like it before.

There were five of us, and we had all brought snacks that were healthy – absolutely no junk. We told not only the story of of our businesses, but also our personal stories. Not like some Nimbin/hippy/touchyfeeley kind of thing – just a genuine connection about who we were + our journey to now + where we were planning on going.

How often to do you get a chance to share these things?

I’m lucky right? Knowing these women and having this opportunity? I mean – I did have to pay $3000 to join the course, and participate in twelve months of online dialogue in the B-School community, and travel nearly three hours just to get there – but I know that I’m still lucky. I’m truly grateful.

And it’s quite possible that out of the five brilliant women who attended (I’m including myself in that), I believe I walked away with the most wisdom and learning from the morning. I was just blown away with how these other women believed in me and gave me solid and tangible ways in which I was holding myself back and how I could be successful almost immediately.

I was so grateful.

When I left, I had a lot of “To Do” lists compiling in my mind. Seriously – a LOT! However something very strange and unexpected pushed that all aside and pounced on my psyche. I had driven three hours from my beachside haven and was now just fifteen minutes away from all three of my nephews.

Fifteen minutes.

Although I have been actively excluded from the lives of all three of my beloved nephews, I still love them fiercely and dream of seeing them and hugging them (no kisses – boys don’t do kisses). As I closed my car door and turned on my ignition, I knew that I had to risk the reality of being barred from entering their homes, or being yelled at or worse – simply for the chance of seeing and hugging my those three boys.

And so I did it.

I drove to N1’s home first and was completely packing my dacks. I knocked and waited to hear either voices or footsteps coming to the door – there was neither. I knocked again. No one was home. So I wrote a short note to N1 telling him that I loved him and would have loved to see him. My fingers are crossed that he will receive it.

I’ll probably never know.

Then I drove the five blocks to N2 & N3’s home. These three lads with their Mum’s as sisters, never see each other. Can you imagine something so sad? It’s how their Mum’s and I were brought up. My Mum & also my Dad didn’t get on with their own families, so we never grew up with cousins, aunts, uncles, or grandparents. It was hauntingly lonely.

And now my beloved three are repeating the sadness.

When I got to their home, I could see at least one car in the driveway and I knocked. I wasn’t thinking about anything – my reception/rejection/arse whipping – I just knocked on the giant glass door and waited. And a face peeked out a bedroom window, but he didn’t recognise me. N2 had no idea who I was.

My sister, S2, answered and welcomed me in. She was pleasant and cordial, and she called to boys to come and say “Hi”. She had to introduce me to them. I tried to joke about how tall they were and that I felt short – they’re only seven and nine and a half, but N2 is almost as tall as me already. Far out!!!

I asked for a quick hug and then let them go.

I only stayed for seven minutes, but I did my best to have a light and ‘normal’ conversation with my Beloveds and their Mum. School, chores, cats, dogs. After a second genuine hug from N3 and a very hesitant second hug (with a pre-promise of “no kisses”), I left.

I just left.

It was the bravest thing I have done in a long, long time. I am proud of myself for facing the possible rejection and just taking a chance. I am proud of myself for making the boys relaxed enough to talk to me for five minutes. I am proud of myself for putting our collection need, to be a family, above my fear of being cast away.

H, B & G – if you ever get to read my blog, I want you to know that I simply adore you and miss you incredibly. I love you more than any other humans on this Earth and I would do anything to protect you and keep you safe.

You are my Beloveds.

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Overcoming Hopelessness: Nick Vujicic

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Although my life has been far from idyllic, it certainly hasn’t been the trial that so many others on this planet suffer through.

I am genuinely grateful for that. However, I do have, and have had for nearly thirty years, a mental illness that has robbed my of my ability to view my life and life in general, in a true and clear manner. My vision of the world has been tinted with scratches and murky dark clouds. Clouds that became physical burdens often.

But I never stopped trying to find a solution to this situation – to the reality of my life. I kept trying and trying to find peace and maybe a speckle of happiness. I look at other sources outside my mind to generate calm and discover different points of view. I’ve heard this described as bravery or courage. To not succumb to the darkness.

I don’t think that’s what it is.

Although I no longer wake, disappointed to still be alive  – the truth is I don’t really have any passion for life. I have been banished from my nephews’ lives, my mother only remembers me when she needs something and all but a couple of friends have found my journey through Depression to be exhausting to the point of abandonment. Losing Horatio, then Jack ten months ago was in a way, the final straw in my connectivity to this world.

While I have a deep awareness of ‘Why’, it doesn’t alleviate the sting of the reality.

So, without a purpose or person or reason to ‘live’ I just muddle forward. I am building a website from scratch in the belief that one day it will provide a substantial income. I try to learn something new every day. I am building a kitchen, from the floor up. I have started a long-since dead practice of taking “Afternoon Adventures“. I Create something EVERY day. I blog. I watch. I view. I read.

Although there is no ‘happiness’ in my life I can claim to be ‘happi-er‘. And this is a grand victory against previous hopeless moments.

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Being An Empath – In This Heartless World

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Life’s pretty hard in a normal kinda way – let’s face it.

Depending on where you were born you may encounter famine, slavery, mutilation, abuse, police brutality, gender bias, poverty, harassment, persecution, infanticide, unemployment, poor/no education, economic prejudice . . . . . .

Now I was born into a family of six that included a Mum & a Dad plus four children, where I was the eldest. We had a roof over our heads, we always had food and a warm bed. I had (relatively) free education until I was seventeen. I was allowed to have a boyfriend. I am allowed to marry whomever I choose. I’m allowed to apply for any job or career I want. The police aren’t allowed to abuse or detain me. I am protected by the same laws as all the other citizens in my country. I have the same skin colour as the majority of those in my country and therefore face no discernible injustices. I have access to free or affordable (as compared to our GDP) healthcare, including feminine hygiene products, GP’s, hospital, dental and ambulance. I have the capacity to rent a high quality computer and have access to fast and large internet downloads. I have the opportunity to grow and learn and reach my full potential, if I choose to stop living the life of an excuse maker or blamer.

See!

I am MORE than lucky in life.

I have been gifted by pure happenstance at birth, the chance to become whoever I dream of being. More than two thirds of the world’s population, that’s over 4 BILLION people – are not given this opportunity. Which is why I have been working so hard to turn my life around and

just

be

grateful.

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EVERY day, I find something to be grateful for, and list five specific elements of that thing. I am trying to collate a Gratitude Journal, however time sometimes disallows this. In my mind though, it is going off like a firecracker!

But this doesn’t mean that I am casting a Blanket Of Complacence over my life, simply because I am grateful for what I have – on the contrary.

Being an Empath means that my whole life I have felt like I had to fighting for others’ causes as they were being persecuted or simply not given the advantages of Life that I had been. I would really fight. Battle! Swing metaphoric punches and in general look for confrontation. Because there is a lot that still has to change. There is still so much that is happening on this beautiful Blue Planet that is wrong – I just didn’t know that I didn’t have to be the one to fix it all.

 

Maxxy Moo

Maxxy Moo

 

But over time I have read a lot of books, and subscribed to words of many bloggers and watched countless videos online and viewed umpteen beautiful and powerful movies via DVD. I have used these amazing publications to build a kinder world for myself. A place where I am growing into the real Pia, and in response my psyche is healing. I am seeing, that as am Empath I can still be happy while offering solutions to others who are not as happy or safe or cared for, as me.

It is a big deal to grant yourself permission to be happy and content when you are acutely aware of the pain of others. A BIG deal.

But the analogy of the oxygen mask on a plane if just the best way to justify this – ALWAYS put your own oxygen mask on first, before fitting them on others. You simply cannot help more people if you have already passed-out yourself.

Help yourself, then help others.

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That’s some good advice wouldn’t you agree?!?

 

Me

Feb 2015

 

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This Is Where I Live

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I work VERY hard to beat the Black dog.
Daily.

That is
EVERY
SINGLE
DAY.

And this morning I had a small win.

I walked four blocks from my house to the beach
(yes – I live just four blocks from one the most beautiful beaches in the world)
and went for a long walk.

Two and a half hours we were gone.

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I live 500 metres from this view

I live 500 metres from this view

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Maxxy Moo, takin' a dip

Maxxy Moo, takin’ a dip

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That’s the famous Busselton Jetty in the distance

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Max has been so good learning to obey commands off the lead

Max has been so good learning to obey commands off the lead

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Just One More Reason To Become A Hermit

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Not even watching this video,
could cheer me up today.

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I received the following email this morning.
No wonder I want to live online and not in the real world.

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No!

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Just feeling sorry for myself?

Maybe.
But I’m tired of trying and failing so much in life.

My “Pollyana” isn’t just fading, I think she’s dying.