I am not proud of the woman I am.
I am not proud of how I think, or act or feel.
I have attempted my whole life to be an educated and enlightened person. Reading, watching, researching, learning and mostly listening. I try with deliberate intention to be a better person.
However, I still wallow in too much self-pity and remorse.
I am not grateful enough, for all the amazing elements of my rich life. The people I know, the gifts I have been given, the talents that I have.
Worst of all, however, is my bitterness.
My attention to the wrongs that have been aimed at me, by others, and the heartache that follows. I fail to implement all that I have been graced to learn, instead focusing on that which I do not have. It is like a sickness for which I refuse to take the medication. It’s a deliberate action by me – refusing to grow.
While it’s true that I have weathered the ultimate tsunami of Clinical Depression, and I have also survived much treachery from those that I have trusted with my love; the reality is, until I can be grateful for the lessons that I have learnt from ALL the wrongs, I am actioning a cancerous growth to fester in my soul.
The salve to my heartache and loneliness is already in me – I have the tools. But I ignore them. I hold on to my bitterness and then let this motivate my decisions and actions. It is all so, so . . . .
I am betraying myself.
I DO look at others in history who have strived against poor circumstance, who have seen a new reality in front of them and run and fought and clawed to reach it. I am in awe of these people.
Then I gaze upon on the intolerance and stupidity that still rages across the world. Isis extremists in Syria. Anti-immigration proponents in Australia. Elitist wealthy of Europe. Financiers in the USA.
Yes – I did just compare bankers and fundamentalist extremists!!
I see the ‘dumbing-down’ of entire populations with ‘reality’ tv, and fear driven political policies, and media behemoths controlling not only content but also fact, and the veneer of ‘celebrity’, and the acceptance of violence in other nations as not important.
And I sit here and try to make sense of it.
And try to find a place within it.
And I fail.
Medgar Evers – despite so much intolerable agony in life, he still maintained the belief that things would change. And they did.
Where did his strength and belief in himself come from?
Can you imagine living in a time and place where you and your family were not deemed to be a full human being? In every sense, you were accepted and promoted as not worthy or even worthy.
Humanity makes me sick sometimes.