We Are Not Wholly Bad Or Good

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Who live our lives under Milk Wood,
And Thou, I know, wilt be the first
To see our best side, not our worst.

Dylan Thomas

How much do you berate yourself for past indiscretions?
Not at all?
A little?
A lot?

 I have a great deal of trouble trying to reconcile myself with mistakes that I have made. For a long time, I have been the ‘scape goat’ in my family. I have always admitted to my mental health issues and often apologise for what I have done wrong, but

(and it’s a big BUT)

there are mistakes that I have NOT apologised for, and there are situations where the anguish felt by others had nothing to do with with me – even though I was perceived as the instigator/wrong-doer.

And the accumulated guilt from all those years of being held responsible, along with genuine mistakes that I have made eat away at my insides. I have absolutely no idea as to how to deal with this ‘guilt’.

No idea what-so-ever.

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2013-12-17-That-Thing

Source: HappyJar.com

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2 responses »

  1. Dear Pia, this is very hard, I know.
    I do a fair bit of thinking ahead about how I am going to navigate the waters with tricky people. I don’t have a lot of friends. And remember I married late in life and spent nearly 15 years on and off single. To be honest I am not afraid to leave someone out of my life if I have recurring issues with them. I cannot stand emotional manipulators on any level. I am pretty generous with how I give towards a friendship and if it gets hard, I don’t stick around. By that I mean if I think it is dysfunctional through my own lense I will leave the relationship after trying a few times to modify my own behaviour. I do not blame myself, ever. Focus on what you feel makes you feel right and stick to it. Move forward doing good things, you are only best fit for some people. If you have a couple of close girlfriends look after them like diamonds. Cut the others free. Don’t ‘saw sawdust’ as that 1950s Self-Help guru Dale Carnegie would say.
    or….Yell out, ‘fuck it’ in a liberating way. Or, as my cousin would to herself, ‘you are dead to me’. Darling, you sound pretty honest and normal!
    All the best, Flora xx
    PS still sad about Ginger. :/ ……..

  2. Thanks Mel – the hardest part is that I don’t know how to forgive myself.

    I like your advice about not “sawing the sawdust” – it’s something I have definitely put into place in the last five years. It’s such a relief not to pander to those who just suck you dry.

    I have two close friends and that’s it. They are really amazing women and I’m genuinely grateful to have them in my life. And although I haven’t ‘given up’ on finding a decent man to love and be loved by – the truth is I have given up looking for him. If it happens – then great, but if not – then I will just be grateful that I am strong enough to choose NOT to be in an unhappy relationship like so many other people choose to be.

    Thanks again, for your supportive words. It’s ridiculous to think that a woman I’ve never met 2.5K kms away from me, ‘gets me’. Thank you for all your amazing words.


    Pia

    ps
    I remind Jack and Horatio daily to give Ginger some extra love from me

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