Today I rose one and a half hours earlier than normal, filled my water bottle, put Maxxy Moo into the bathroom and drove to Perth. For the first time, I was meeting a group of B-Schoolers for a mentoring and ideas workshop. Entirely free, in the home of one of us and filled with support, nurturing and empowerment.
I’ve never experienced anything like it before.
There were five of us, and we had all brought snacks that were healthy – absolutely no junk. We told not only the story of of our businesses, but also our personal stories. Not like some Nimbin/hippy/touchyfeeley kind of thing – just a genuine connection about who we were + our journey to now + where we were planning on going.
How often to do you get a chance to share these things?
I’m lucky right? Knowing these women and having this opportunity? I mean – I did have to pay $3000 to join the course, and participate in twelve months of online dialogue in the B-School community, and travel nearly three hours just to get there – but I know that I’m still lucky. I’m truly grateful.
And it’s quite possible that out of the five brilliant women who attended (I’m including myself in that), I believe I walked away with the most wisdom and learning from the morning. I was just blown away with how these other women believed in me and gave me solid and tangible ways in which I was holding myself back and how I could be successful almost immediately.
I was so grateful.
When I left, I had a lot of “To Do” lists compiling in my mind. Seriously – a LOT! However something very strange and unexpected pushed that all aside and pounced on my psyche. I had driven three hours from my beachside haven and was now just fifteen minutes away from all three of my nephews.
Although I have been actively excluded from the lives of all three of my beloved nephews, I still love them fiercely and dream of seeing them and hugging them (no kisses – boys don’t do kisses). As I closed my car door and turned on my ignition, I knew that I had to risk the reality of being barred from entering their homes, or being yelled at or worse – simply for the chance of seeing and hugging my those three boys.
And so I did it.
I drove to N1’s home first and was completely packing my dacks. I knocked and waited to hear either voices or footsteps coming to the door – there was neither. I knocked again. No one was home. So I wrote a short note to N1 telling him that I loved him and would have loved to see him. My fingers are crossed that he will receive it.
I’ll probably never know.
Then I drove the five blocks to N2 & N3’s home. These three lads with their Mum’s as sisters, never see each other. Can you imagine something so sad? It’s how their Mum’s and I were brought up. My Mum & also my Dad didn’t get on with their own families, so we never grew up with cousins, aunts, uncles, or grandparents. It was hauntingly lonely.
And now my beloved three are repeating the sadness.
When I got to their home, I could see at least one car in the driveway and I knocked. I wasn’t thinking about anything – my reception/rejection/arse whipping – I just knocked on the giant glass door and waited. And a face peeked out a bedroom window, but he didn’t recognise me. N2 had no idea who I was.
My sister, S2, answered and welcomed me in. She was pleasant and cordial, and she called to boys to come and say “Hi”. She had to introduce me to them. I tried to joke about how tall they were and that I felt short – they’re only seven and nine and a half, but N2 is almost as tall as me already. Far out!!!
I asked for a quick hug and then let them go.
I only stayed for seven minutes, but I did my best to have a light and ‘normal’ conversation with my Beloveds and their Mum. School, chores, cats, dogs. After a second genuine hug from N3 and a very hesitant second hug (with a pre-promise of “no kisses”), I left.
I just left.
It was the bravest thing I have done in a long, long time. I am proud of myself for facing the possible rejection and just taking a chance. I am proud of myself for making the boys relaxed enough to talk to me for five minutes. I am proud of myself for putting our collection need, to be a family, above my fear of being cast away.
H, B & G – if you ever get to read my blog, I want you to know that I simply adore you and miss you incredibly. I love you more than any other humans on this Earth and I would do anything to protect you and keep you safe.
You are my Beloveds.