Although 2014 was far from my worst year, 2013 was a lot more difficult, the truth is – it was still a tough year.
In 2014 I looked directly into the face of Life’s three biggest questions:
- What is the Meaning of Life?
- Does Might always beat Right?
- Am I Alone?
Recently, my gf H said that she admired my Bravery and my Resilience.
Although I thanked her for the compliments, I still told her that I didn’t think I could take credit for these traits. In the scheme of human evolution, surely these traits are either genetic or inherent in human biology. That I made far less of a choice to be Brave or Resilient, than I had just followed natural self-preservation.
I don’t feel brave or resilient.
I feel like a total loser who has nothing to show for her time spent on this blue planet. After losing Jack, I know that I can no longer Love. My family, especially my parents, have shown that blood is NOT thicker than water. My ‘best friend’ has disowned me and I now realise I will never marry or even have a male companion in my life. I have no job, no career, no money, no house. I am covered in prickles and suffer from debilitating and chronic Clinical Depression. I am overweight and have a ‘plain’ face at the best of times. I am uniquely ‘weird’ in a way that means I cannot connect with others – as my weirdness is so individual (I’m not into gaming, role-play, theatre, sports, or any group activity). I think but I am not overly intelligent.
In another age, I would have been destitute or the crazy lady who lived in the run down house on the edge of the village.
And this is a big BUT . . . . . . . there is Hope.
And I cling to it, like a life-raft in the middle of the Indian Ocean at the height of monsoon season. I have wrapped the ropes multiple times around my wrists so that I cannot be tossed from it. Hope is such a small vessel against such surmountable odds, but I hold on to it none-the-less.
Hope is my lifeline.
It’s all I have.