I am struggling within myself, so badly at the moment.
So much of my psyche and internal logic is flipping over and I am struggling to find my ‘true north’. All the things I have believed of myself and have held to be an integral part of my nature, seems foreign to me.
So many changes, both positive and negative, have occurred in my life. A lot of challenges have been laid before me, and I have overcome SO much. The toxic nature of my family has been a lifelong battle, and to find the balance between having them in my life without being repeatedly emotionally injured, was one of my biggest learning journeys.
I have faced numerous bullies in my working life, being subjected a number of times to unfair dismissal or accusations of impropriety. I always faced and fought, believing in the simple justice of ‘right over might’.
I have also lost all my wealth, hard-earned and then squandered due to poor decisions and ill-health. I am poorer than I have ever been, with at least two Collection Agencies asking for money. Money that I just do not have.
None of these cast as dark a shadow as the loss of Horatio and then Jack.
Losing my beloved Jack has seen real and utter grief overcome my life. And I am equally grateful and pained that it is the first time in my life that I have felt such physical misery. The first time that I have lost someone that I love with such purity and selflessness.
It pains me to say this, but losing Jack has begun a passage in my life that will force a change that not one other tragedy in my life, has managed. Not being banned from seeing my beloved Harry, to realising how unloved I was by my family, to my BFF yelling at me three weeks after my 40th, to being accused last December of abusing two children in my care.
Losing Jack is changing me.
And the change is not a good one.
I can feel it, and know it. But I no longer care. I see the world very differently and I no longer believe that justice or a sense of ‘purpose’ or the pursuit of happiness or believing in a ’cause’ – are valid methods to guide my life.
My heart is hardening.
And I don’t care that this sounds melodramatic or attention seeking or alarmist.
No one wants to hear a 44 year childless, manless, solitary, middle-class woman, whinge about her dead dog.
I don’t expect anyone to listen.
I genuinely don’t expect anyone to have empathy or sympathy for me.
Although the Earth may rotate on it’s axis at exactly the same speed and angle for every Human Being on her, the reality is, the existence of those beings is so massively different.
Where before, I would want to rally against the likes of the Nestle Family and their push to make fresh water a measured and expensive commodity, or the rape of young girls in India, or the prostitution of children in Southern America, or the subjugation and armament of young boys in Sudan or the swirling cesspool of plastic microbes in the Pacific Ocean – now I realise that none of it matters.
Absolutely nothing we do – as Humans – matters!
What I do – matters even less.
matter even less.
This is NOT
I repeat NOT
my *Asthma* speaking.
This is a genuine change in how I view the world
and my place in it.