The Darkness Is Not My Friend . . . .

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. . . . although he is with me always. Every second, every minute, every day.

He has had substantial influence over me. An influence that has grown in strength as time has passed.

And this is the danger!

– – – – – – – – – – –

I was driving home today, after a trip into town to buy a cooked chook for dinner. This simple task of buying my dinner triggered a thought process, that at it’s conclusion, made me realise that I have truly lost my way. I have lost the essence of who I am.

I remember that I use to have such a passion for life. Nothing could dampen my spirit or my desire to BE Pia. I would appreciate the clouds on a sunny day. The taste of watermelon in summer. The sound of rain on my rooftop. The sight of children laughing as they walked home from school. Seeing a juvenile magpie wiggling his tail feathers after hopping through the sprinkler on my front lawn.

I look and look at who I am, and I see a ghost of the person who once was. I can’t see anyone real when I look in the mirror. I can’t see even a glimpse of someone real, as she pretends to be.

I have learnt a lot about myself in the past twelve months. Lessons that most people learn a lot earlier in life than I was able to manage;
* Life is unfair
* stay true to yourself
* don’t worry about what others think
* being the eldest child doesn’t make you the one responsible for everything
* don’t offer so much of yourself to others
* being ‘different’ is painful and lonely sometimes
* being ‘different is worth being in pain or lonely sometimes
* put 10% of everything you earn in a separate bank account – without fail
* don’t buy a house until you have a 20% deposit
* keep your head down and don’t be so open (& honest) when you get a job – do the basics and get paid – one day you will do something you are passionate about, but not right now!

And these lessons, in unison with The Darkness, have had the effect of draining the ‘essence’ out of me. They have made me question how I live, the choices I have made and the person I have evolved into.

I try to be positive.
I try to be happy.

But it’s all gone. Every last grain of verve, spirit and sparkle.

It’s just  . . . all gone!

 

 

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