Screaming With Rage


I have been hiding – trying to hide – for months.

My insides are boiling with a dark foulness that is forcing me to keep my eyes down, when I am in public.
The foulness is  so awful that it must show through my eyes.
Others will be able to see it,
and make judgements about me.





I am so desperately tired of being alive.
I asked my physician
if she would please just give me permission to die.
Please let it be okay
for me to not want to be here anymore.

Two weeks ago, I was suspended, without pay, from my job.
Just 2.5 weeks before Christmas.
I had been accused, was then investigated and eventually found innocent of the charge.

But the damage had been done.

As it is the end of the year/Christmas I cannot have my position reinstated until mid-January.
Databases need to be searched.
Phone calls need to be made.
Paperwork needs to be filed.

Although I was proven innocent in the situation,
in the end,
I am utterly shattered.

How could anyone believe me capable of such a thing?!?
How am I going to cope without income for 5 weeks?
Why the fuck did I work so hard,
do SO much extra work,
when all along I was going to be dumped into the shit?

I KNOW that I did nothing to deserve this,
but it STILL happened!!!!!!

I am SO tired of being strong,
and overcoming obstacles,
and being brave.

I am tired of wishing I could commit suicide
but never doing it.

Of keeping my promise,
so that Harry doesn’t have a legacy  of suicide in his family.

I just don’t care about anything any more.

I am tired of ‘life’ being so UNfair!



. . . or worse – there’s no-one to tell!








2 responses »

  1. Hi Susie
    I didn’t know what to say to your last two ‘comments’.
    You speak with such empathy that you MUST know how impossible it is to communicate to others, when *Asthma* comes on hard.
    I just try every day to do SOMETHING, anything, to keep moving and not wallow.
    Some days I can. Some days it’s impossible.
    I feel so bashed and beaten by injustice,
    and having no family to ‘care’ for me, hurts acutely.
    Please don’t worry about me.
    I am passionate – but not rash.
    Please have a wonderful Christmas.
    I am eating a crayfish, drinking French champagne
    (neither of which I can afford, having just lost my job – but fuck it)
    and taking my dogs to the beach to listen and watch families enjoy the day.
    I am trying!


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