Screaming With Rage

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I have been hiding – trying to hide – for months.

My insides are boiling with a dark foulness that is forcing me to keep my eyes down, when I am in public.
The foulness is  so awful that it must show through my eyes.
Others will be able to see it,
and make judgements about me.

Disgust

Revulsion

Pity

Impatience.

I am so desperately tired of being alive.
I asked my physician
today
if she would please just give me permission to die.
Please let it be okay
for me to not want to be here anymore.

Two weeks ago, I was suspended, without pay, from my job.
Just 2.5 weeks before Christmas.
I had been accused, was then investigated and eventually found innocent of the charge.

But the damage had been done.

As it is the end of the year/Christmas I cannot have my position reinstated until mid-January.
Databases need to be searched.
Phone calls need to be made.
Paperwork needs to be filed.

Although I was proven innocent in the situation,
in the end,
I am utterly shattered.

How could anyone believe me capable of such a thing?!?
How am I going to cope without income for 5 weeks?
Why the fuck did I work so hard,
do SO much extra work,
when all along I was going to be dumped into the shit?

I KNOW that I did nothing to deserve this,
but it STILL happened!!!!!!

I am SO tired of being strong,
and overcoming obstacles,
and being brave.

I am tired of wishing I could commit suicide
but never doing it.

Of keeping my promise,
so that Harry doesn’t have a legacy  of suicide in his family.

I just don’t care about anything any more.

I am tired of ‘life’ being so UNfair!

.

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. . . or worse – there’s no-one to tell!

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2 responses »

  1. Hi Susie
    I didn’t know what to say to your last two ‘comments’.
    Sorry.
    You speak with such empathy that you MUST know how impossible it is to communicate to others, when *Asthma* comes on hard.
    I just try every day to do SOMETHING, anything, to keep moving and not wallow.
    Some days I can. Some days it’s impossible.
    .
    I feel so bashed and beaten by injustice,
    and having no family to ‘care’ for me, hurts acutely.
    Please don’t worry about me.
    I am passionate – but not rash.
    Promise.
    .
    Please have a wonderful Christmas.
    .
    I am eating a crayfish, drinking French champagne
    (neither of which I can afford, having just lost my job – but fuck it)
    and taking my dogs to the beach to listen and watch families enjoy the day.
    .
    I am trying!

    Pia

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