I have been hiding – trying to hide – for months.
My insides are boiling with a dark foulness that is forcing me to keep my eyes down, when I am in public.
The foulness is so awful that it must show through my eyes.
Others will be able to see it,
and make judgements about me.
I am so desperately tired of being alive.
I asked my physician
if she would please just give me permission to die.
Please let it be okay
for me to not want to be here anymore.
Two weeks ago, I was suspended, without pay, from my job.
Just 2.5 weeks before Christmas.
I had been accused, was then investigated and eventually found innocent of the charge.
But the damage had been done.
As it is the end of the year/Christmas I cannot have my position reinstated until mid-January.
Databases need to be searched.
Phone calls need to be made.
Paperwork needs to be filed.
Although I was proven innocent in the situation,
in the end,
I am utterly shattered.
How could anyone believe me capable of such a thing?!?
How am I going to cope without income for 5 weeks?
Why the fuck did I work so hard,
do SO much extra work,
when all along I was going to be dumped into the shit?
I KNOW that I did nothing to deserve this,
but it STILL happened!!!!!!
I am SO tired of being strong,
and overcoming obstacles,
and being brave.
I am tired of wishing I could commit suicide
but never doing it.
Of keeping my promise,
so that Harry doesn’t have a legacy of suicide in his family.
I just don’t care about anything any more.
I am tired of ‘life’ being so UNfair!
. . . or worse – there’s no-one to tell!