I did the stupidest thing today.
I checked out some photos of my high school: graduating year’s
– 25th School Reunion,
held in December 2012.
I saw a whole heap of photos of smiling people.
Some were successful.
Some were good looking.
Some were ‘well fit’
Most looked really happy.
I did a quick search engine stalk on one of the faces.
A guy I have secretly had a crush on for 30 years.
Something I haven’t even told my High School BFF.
He only got married two years ago.
the intelligent section of my brain
– although smaller than contained in an average person’s skull –
that ALL the smiles in the photos cannot have been real.
Although a happy occasion,
not everyone who attended the Reunion
would have exclusively happy tales to tell.
But that didn’t matter.
All I could see were
people from my past
who had created lives that included
love & children & careers & joyful memories.
All of which they shared with others of the same ilk
at one big event.
An event I deliberately chose NOT to attend.
Because I am a pathetic 43 year old woman
(single, childless, aimless, penniless & hopeless)
who toddles along unhappily,
pretending for all who see me that I am the opposite,
trying desperately to find some sort of happiness
in everyday miracles
– like clouds & stars & flowers & chocolate –
because god knows that
if I looked at anything too seriously or meaningfully
I would surely ‘top myself’.
Who stays on this Earth,
without any real desire or need to live
I promised my beloved Nephew H
that I would never leave him a legacy of suicide
especially as his Mum’s Mother
his Mum’s twin Brother
had both played the suicide ‘card’.
The former unsuccessfully on three occasions,
the latter on one successful occasion.
‘Cause that’s a good enough reason to stay alive isn’t it?
For someone else?!?
I KNOW that this is my illness ‘talking’
but it doesn’t detract from the fact that I AM,
a total dumbarse for looking at the photos
and becoming depressed about
what masquerades as