Whore

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In my formative years,
I was brought up in a family of four females
(including myself).
I had no males in my life to speak of. ***
No cousins, father, uncles, grandfather, boyfriends or family friends.

My mother inadvertently
(another conversation for another time)
taught me to dislike men.
I mean, REALLY despise them.

Now, I was intelligent enough to know what was happening,
but when you have no means of escape or counter-attack,
it’s pretty difficult to avoid some of the poison
from saturating your psyche.

I tried SO hard to keep an open mind,
and try to learn healthy practice.
But
it was difficult because
I had virtually NOWHERE from which to garner more sane attitudes.

But this is not the greatest problem I faced
in becoming a woman.

My greatest struggle
was the labels I received from my family.

When I was 19, before I’d even had sex for the first time,
one of the women in my family (“B2”),
called me a whore.

And she meant it!
She was furious that I had a boyfriend (my first).

By the time I was 26 another woman (“B1”) in my family
– remember, there’s only three of them –
was calling me a slut
to anyone who listened.

I remember once we were at a party with a LOT of cute guys.
I was single and about to head overseas for 12 months.
Despite having had two boyfriends prior to this,
I was still VERY green
when it came to men.

For the record – I HAD experienced a couple of
out-of-relationship sexual experiences.
But we’re not talking more than I could count on one hand!

“B1” spent a good hour ‘priming’ me,
saying that one of the cute guys
(and quite a catch to be honest)
had been eyeing me off . . . intently.

I honestly can’t remember how it all came about,
I wasn’t drunk or anything,
however the seriously cute and popular guy & I,
eventually hooked up
(yep I’m not proud, but it was fun!).

Only a couple of hours later,
“B1” gleefully told me
in front of a group of people,
that she knew I would . . .
. . . “fuck him, ’cause you’re such a slut”.

To this day,
the utter devastation is still tangible;
that someone I loved
was at such ease
in treating me with malice, contempt and disrespect.

So I have spent my adult years
trying to counter-balance
the person I was raised to believe I was,
with the reality of who I believe I actually am.

And I can tell you,
While I may have a very healthy sex drive;
I am NOT a whore! +++

Click on photo :)

Click on photo : )

*** I want to clarify that I DID have a brother, but he was in and out of my life from when I was ten. He was 18 months younger than me. He committed suicide when I was 29. He was 27.

+++ Do you know what?
It totally SHITS me that ‘whore’ is even used as an offensive term.
It’s so SEXIST.
I think I feel another blog post coming on . . . 

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