I Can’t Talk

Standard

I was told eight days ago, that a number of teenage children knew of the existence of my blog and READ IT!

I totally panicked.

Had I written anything that condoned self loathing?
Had I encouraged any negative ‘self’ behaviours?
Had I made depression sound like a condition that was unbearable?
Was my blog uplifting or soul destroying?
Was my blog instilling hope and positive choices?
Would they get a sense of passion for living?

Jesus!

I clammed up.
Closed my mind tighter than I had since before starting this treasured place.

Just when I needed to talk!
NEEDED. To. Talk.

I could not afford to describe the black pit I was thrown into eight days ago.
I could not be honest about the treacherous thoughts I had seven and six days ago.
I could not say how much pain I was in.

Because I was told,
with certainty,
that teenage children who I cared for were definitely reading my words here at “pialosophy”.

And now I suspect I was lied to.

And so . . .
. . . the true purpose of this blog
– for me to be honest with myself and be able to let my soul speak –
had been stolen from me.

I am now too frightened to be honest, to let out the demons that need to be expunged,
as I am scared that those I cherish will be negatively affected.

That sucks, man!

TOTALLY!!!

.

.

.

I strongly dislike liars.

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4 responses »

  1. Pia, you should keep true to yourself. Add in a note to say we all have dark times but there is light at the end or whatever you must but dont censer yourself because someone is trying to muzzle you!!! Its your blog. You know if anything you write freaks them out they can talk to you about it. I almost let my blog stalker win and it takes a lot of courage to say no I will continue no matter what. Be your Awesome Amazing and Inspiring self. Lots of Hugs

  2. Pia … I AGREE with A. this is your blog and it is up to the parents of the ‘said’ teenagers to monitor just what their son’s or daughter’s are reading … NOT YOU !!!! BLOG AWAY xxxxxxxx

  3. Pia – you really are travelling through a shit storm at the moment aren’t you. I am so sorry that all of this is happening in your life right when there was looking like there was some sunshine and light………
    In regards to the content of you blog ……………………………. I believe it is called PIALOSOPHY which I have always taken to believe it meant the PHILOSOPHY of PIA ………….. simple as that. You are talking about life – you are talking about challenges and strengths and decisions and the way these things affect you. I think that is the basis for PIALOSOPHY ……………..
    I am not the mother of a 13 year old but I have been – she was far more street savvy than me (and probably still is) but it was MY job to monitor what she was up to and how it was affecting her – not yours, not JK Rowlings, not whoever wrote bits of the bible – know what I mean …………

    Sorry – I am frustrated for you and I am raving …………

    See you soon – Saturday even!

    (it will make me log into to my used blog so you might not know who it is but this is a message from LISA xxx)

  4. What they said!!
    You know, there’s a lot I don’t say on my blog because the Psycho Ex will read it and cause more trouble than we know how to deal with. It frustrates me, but it’s MY choice. I choose to keep that more private, because I choose not to have that kind of shitstorm in my life.
    And I choose not to talk about my mother on my blog, though GOD there are days when I would like to say a few things.
    YOU should be your only censor. YOU should decide what you say and why you don’t.
    In short, my girl, don’t let ANYONE take your voice! or I’ll start calling you Ariel.

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