I walked away from my BF’s Grandmother’s funeral, just now.
I ambled back to my car using the underpass to go under the railway line.
Then I walked along the footpath in front of the army barracks, back to my little BeepBeep.
The army barracks have a plastic-coated wire fence around it’s perimeter.
I had (have) a massive headache from crying at the funeral.
As I ran my fingers along the fence I kept walking and thinking about things.
Fiona spoke through her tears about all the things she will miss about Grandma.
The comfort, love, safety, loyalty, comradeship, hugs.
Listening, forced me to walk out of the chapel.
I sat on a wall under the autumn trees.
The things Fiona spoke of, were all the things I had ever asked for.
The only things I have ever truly desired.
The things I have never received from family.
I sat on a wall in the sun, under a tall maple and quietly cried.
Now I am sitting outside the Hollywood Women’s Bowling Auxillary,
deciding whether I will go into the Wake.
Only two other guests have shown up so far.
It took me 3 hours and 45 minutes to get here in peak hour traffic this morning.
I’ve only spoken to Fiona twice in the last two years since my 40th birthday.
After 15 weeks of being there for my Mum, I don’t know that I can be here for my BF.
Where are my people, I’d like to know.