I am cresting in an existential crisis

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. . . at the moment.

Not in a “why I am here?” or “what is the meaning of life?” kind of way,
I mean in a “Do I really need to be here?”,
“How can I just disappear from society?” and “How do I become invisible?” kind of way.

I am desperate to talk to someone about what is happening to and around me,
but I can’t ‘here’ because it will affect others.

I am too aware that ‘one day’ will come and I never want someone to be hurt
by something I say here, that was spoken
out of pain or desperation.
I have always been aware that I may regret actions in the future,
despite being passionate and certain ‘in the moment’.

Even when I was 15 and my father totally broke my heart (another story for another day),
I still couldn’t cut him out of the photos I had.
One day I may have wanted to show my children and grandchildren
(HA! joke’s on me)
who my father was.
So I left him in the photos, despite my pain.

And unfortunately I have no friends to talk to.
Sally, as wonderful as a friend as she is, doesn’t ‘do’ emotions
(she did raise five sons on her own after all).
I have a Mum, but I don’t have a mum – if you know what I mean.
Physically, I have two sisters, but not really.
My best friend yelled at me two weeks after my 40th that I “need to improve myself”
and we haven’t really spoken since.
And my other GF’s are caught up in their own life dramas
are only available when it is convenient, or,
start talking about their problems when I bring up mine.
– i.e. I don’t really have any real GF’s.
I also don’t have a boyfriend/partner/husband and his family
– as apparently when you break up with someone, you are no longer a friend either!
Who knew?!?

No that is not a quartet of violins playing in the background!
I am just saying it like it is . . . no tears or tantrums . . . it is what it is!

 So here I am – alone but not overly lonely – with no ‘people’ connections what-so-ever.
We’re not going to get into how tragic that is,
considering how hard I have worked to keep my family and friends close to me.
We’re going to look at the fact that I am alone . . . . .

. . . with a full-time job and a small business, both of which I really like, but neither of which fulfil me . . .

. . . and I have no ties to the town of Busselton, or this state or this country . . .

. . . I get more and more upset at the lazy, selfish, racist and bigoted world that I see and hear everyday . . .

. . . and I have

. . . .not a fucking clue of what the fuck I am suppose to be doing
or where the fuck I am suppose to be going
or what the fuck I am suppose to be looking for
or be fucking happy with
or why the fuck?

Seriously!

WTF?!?

.

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31 Days in July – Catchup

Day 10 . . . No. 8 – Went for a walk at sunset with my boys. There’s still quite a bit of seaweed on the beach (well banks of it actually), but at least we did find patches of actual sand to walk on this time : )

Day 11 . . . No. 20 – gave myself a manicure. It’s like when you floss your teeth – seems like such a hassle until you actually do it, and then you feel like a million dollars afterwards.

Day 12 . . . No. 10 – I didn’t actually do this tonight, but I am so going to add it as I tried the last two nights in a row. Like, seriously tried. Both times, another person physically stopped me. I missed the last showing of “Snow White & the Huntsman’ (P.O.ed) and I then wanted to see ‘Brave’. Maybe I can make it on Sunday night. Fingers crossed.

Day 13 . . . No. 25 – Set up my new craft desk. Wait ’til you see the photo of this little beauty!

Day 14 . . . No. 14 – I went for another walk! Twice in a week. Phew.

Day 15 . . . No. 28 – Plant some seedling. Some sweet peas. One of my top three annuals. They simply make me smile.

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