I had another little epiphany the other morning on the Autistic Bus.
I cannot be content.
Because I am passionate and creative, I am always looking at how something can be different.
Gardens, houses, clothes, makeup,
paintings, shop windows, interior design, craft, design, roads, countryside.
This makes for constant desire for change
– which is the opposite of acceptance –
which in my understanding is essential for contentment.
Underscoring all of this, is my childhood.
A childhood where I had to become the sole parent at 10.
Decision making, discipline, housework and then later budgeting.
This may explain why I have such a afinity for dogs.
A longing to emulate them.
To BE like a dog.
No matter what their status, a dog will always find contentment.
A warm spot in the sun.
Rags to curl up in.
Something smelly to roll in.
Something to eat or lick.
They’re just happy.
Confusingly – the more I assess what Contentment is, the more I find that I am Contentment personified.
* I often look up at clouds and smile at the whimsy or beauty of them
* I often sit or lie with my dogs on the floor and cuddle
* I sit and stare at the changing landscape, week to week, from the window of the Autistic Bus
* I hold hands with a seven year old autistic boy and just smile with him
* I sigh with happiness when I see a beautiful flower in bloom
* I stop and watch if I see a bird of prey circling in the sky
* I have such pure pleasure when I see my dogs run on the beach on a winter’s day
But . . . . . . . . .
I am not content.
How do I learn
to just accept rather than constantly feel the need to improve?