The Innate Hurt

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I realised something awfully painful today.

Something plainly awful.

I hate everyone who I have loved.
My mum, my sisters, my best friend, good friends, lovers.

I hate them for hurting me so much. Again and again.

I hate that they used my depression as an excuse to push me away or blame me for their behaviour.
I hate them for acting like it is okay for them to have ‘issues’ that are innate . . . .

. . . not talking about emotions

. . . holding onto childhood hurts

. . . lying about substance abuse

. . . being scared but behaving angrily

. . . but it’s never been okay for me to have an issue.

And worst of all
I really strongly dislike the word hate.

I never use it.
Our world is filled with it.

I  don’t want to feel it.

But I hurt so much. I feel betrayed.

Utterly.

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2 responses »

  1. Lots and lots of hugs Pia. Whilst it is hard to remember you are not responsible for their behaviour or their choices. You are Amazing! You are still here! and we love you 🙂 sometimes I think family can be highly overated. Lots of squishy Hugs.

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