I have had a bit of a week.
At the end of which I finally had a moment of clarity.
(In the shower this morning actually)
I have struggled so hard with the silence I have been ensconced in, by the Polar Bear. The confusion and unanswered questions have really affected me. Who is the this man? A spectre of the the man that I love/d. I just can’t account for what has happened.
However, in the shower this morning, as I’m questioning what value I can gather from the 18 month relationship and whether or not I would have been better off not having met my Polar Bear, I realise that being in a relationship gave me respite from my otherwise depressing existence. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not feeling sorry for myself in a before or after manner – it’s just an objective observation.
Before meeting the Polar Bear, I was in a pattern of recovery and discovery.
However, I had been in this cycle for 7 years.
Now I have a decision to make. Having only a month ago been planning the possibility of buying land and building a home, I now have to reinvent my dreamscape.
This is scary.
I could list some fairly negative realities for you now. Right here. But we all have this list. All of us. The letters in the words in the sentences may be different to yours, but the actual contents isn’t. The list is scary because it is my list, not because of the contents of it. And I have to admit I’m tired too. So I have a ‘list’ and I have to find the energy to face it. Again!
But . . .
I don’t seem to have lost my desire to find some passion.
So as terrified as I am about a singular and at present blank future, I have to say that I am not daunted to face it. So in the coming months, I MUST look and feel for a new passion. A new dream.
I’ll keep you posted.
Source: Solefield Photography